Love Is Not An Emotion…

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now, and we have an inner circle of mutual friends. A few months ago it became apparent to me that he had feelings for a female friend of ours. This was a friend of ours that I, prior to this had suggested bare our children. So when this came up the logical thing seemed like it would be fine for “us” to date her. With none of us been in a polygamous relationship before it was a little difficult starting to say the least, at least for me it was. Within the first few weeks or so I knew I wasn’t feeling it, transitioning a friendship into a romantic relationship is something I’ve shied away from in the past because of previous relationships. For me the chemistry just wasn’t there. But for my boyfriend it was, I could see clear as day he was in love with her. I wasn’t, I love her as a friend but not as lover. But I said nothing at first. Why? Firstly I thought maybe I was over reacting or acting prematurely, thinking maybe I should give it more time and my feelings might change. Secondly because I was afraid, I loved him so much I was afraid of losing him in any way. Thinking by me saying I didn’t want this to be a trio would push him away because he wanted children. I have never been in this situation before; I had no idea what to do so I was more or less frozen in fear. I kept my mouth shut, not realizing the things I was holding were surfacing in other ways.

I became jealous and resentful towards her, distant and cold to him because I felt I couldn’t tell anyone how felt out the fear of losing everything. And everyone could see I was unhappy but me. Fights and arguments sprung out of this, until one day I just had to be honest with them and myself. Of course over the months things had become incredibility sorted so my honest came across messy, rather than if I had said something early. But by that time I was so far gone I couldn’t care anymore. I was as cold as ice, my emotions, my heart, my love had become so tangled I was numb.

But I knew I had to fix this and pull myself together. I removed myself from the trio, he still dates her but I don’t, and I still I am with my boyfriend. By that point my love was little damaged or so I thought. At one point I really wanted to call the hold thing off and say fuck it. But then I realized that the love I had for both of them was still there it was all the emotion I was feeling about the situation that was clouding it. And I just had to let it go, the anger, the jealousy, the resentment, all had to go. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, to be mature enough to realize just because he loves someone else doesn’t mean he loves me any less. Nothing can take love away from me except for me, and subsequently I was the only one who could save it. All those things I was feeling had nothing to do with my love for him and never will.

Love is not an emotion it’s a process. And the process is different for each of us. We are born with pure love, which is without fear or mistrust. It is only when the world teaches us fear and mistrust that love becomes corrupted and we must learn to love again.”